The Unbearable Grief

Sad girl holding umbrella (Image source: http://www.hercampus.com/school/maryland/5-ways-avoid-winter-sadness)

“Grief has never looked so beautiful. Quite a paradox, as surely it must be the hardest emotion we have to bear.

It is said the only way out of grief is through it. Otherwise, it can hold us in depression or send us into a madness that can take lives.

Even in death, Ophelia is held in grief as firmly as her heavy dress holds her in water. The haunting subject makes this painting an unlikely favourite.”

– Tate Britain on ‘Ophelia’ by Millais

He said. She said.

Source: http://piccsy.com/
He said: I think you’re lovely.
She said: you’re okay I guess. 
He said: can I take you out to the movies?
She said: I’ll have a large popcorn with some Coke and jelly beans. 
He said: I love you more than all the stars in the sky.
She said: stop talking and kiss me already. 
He said: let’s get married.
She said: OMG! what a gorgeous ring!
He said: I promise to love you always.
She said: I promise to stick by you forever.
He said: you’re the best wife a guy could ask for.
She said: I couldn’t imagine my life without you. 
He said: two ply or three ply?
She said: three ply and chocolate.
He said: let’s get a puppy.
She said: let’s have a baby.
He said: what’s for dinner?
She said: dirty diapers and kisses.  
He said: you’re an amazing mother to our kids.
She said: I love you, but I wish you’d help out more around the house. 
He said: what’s the matter, you seem different.
She said: who is she?
He said: she makes my world spin.
She said: but I was your world. 
She said: you are my heart. 
He said: I’m sorry, I just don’t love you anymore. 
She said: Don’t go!
He said: Goodbye!

Promise me…

Source: http://weheartit.com/
Promise me you’ll never go anywhere without me.
If you ever left I’d have no one to give me advice on which shoes match better with that dress and these earrings,
If you ever left I’d have no one there to hold my hand while I got my first tattoo,
If you ever left I’d have no one to stalk out rental properties with on Google street view,
If you ever left I’d have no one to help me solve my very complex IT issues,
If you ever left I’d have no one to do crazy shit with, like dressing up as zombies for a mystery march to a secret location, 
If you ever left I’d have no one to get wasted on red wine with,
If you ever left I’d have no one to give me great big bear hugs when I’m ready to give up, 
If you ever left I’d have no one to put my heart back together.
So promise me you’ll never go anywhere without me… at least not today.

A love poem for you

Source: http://piccsy.com/
I could write a dozen poems about our love,
of holding hands and making plans,
of flying paper jets and watching sunsets.

I could write a sweet poem about our love,
of sunny days spent basking in the sunshine,
of cloudy days spent cuddling on the sofa.

I could write so many beautiful poems about our love,
but none of them would bring you any closer.
None of them would let you smell my hair or touch my hand.
None would let you breath my air, and I yours.

So instead, I tell you about my new shoes on the phone.
Instead of love poems I show you my new plant on Skype.
Instead, I DM you on Twitter to let you know that I still love you.
Instead of telling you about my day, I send you a quick text.

Instead I lay awake dreaming of someday and make plans for our uncertain future.
Because love poems don’t fill the space where you should be.
They don’t let you hold my hand or kiss my cheek.

Love poems don’t bring us any closer to where we belong…together.

Source: http://piccsy.com/

Mommy, where do babies come from?

After having a conversation with my sister over the weekend I was reminded yet again of the amazing things that come out of kids mouths. My 5 year old nephew is a prime example and constantly challenges my thinking with his blunt questions and his simple view of the world. I wonder sometimes when life became so complicated and when I stopped being a kid.

You see my little nephew is quite a little firecracker with loads of energy, just looking at him tires me out. He’s such a free spirit, constantly jumping off things, rolling over things, tumbling onto things, running into things and throwing things over. He’s also quite a smarty pants and constantly questions my logic.

I recall many interesting conversations while driving him to and from his swimming lessons on a Wednesday afternoon and they would normally go a little something like this:

Him: Do you know where you going?
Me: Yes, I know where I’m going.
Him: But how do you know, if you’ve never been there before?
Me: Because I looked it up on the map.
Him: Are you sure you know though?
Me:  I think so, yes.
Him: I think you’re lost!
(You got me)

He questions everything and I love him for it, although it sometimes drives me insane and makes me blush with awkwardness. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s one of the reasons I cling to the childish bits that still remain in me. He reminds me that there is a certain innocence in youth, an innocence that allows for wonder and bewilderment. An innocence which doesn’t discriminate against stupid or obvious questions; which encourages you to jump, skip, hop and dive into the unknown, always knowing that there’ll be someone there to catch you or put a plaster on it if you should fall.

Source: Google Images

Today I laughed

Today I laughed. 
I laughed a good, hearty, belly ache laugh.
I laughed with all my heart and cried great big giant tears of laughter.
I laughed with so much joy, I felt as if the sun was streaming right through me.

Not because anything was particularly funny or because anyone cracked a joked. 
Not because I discovered that I had become an overnight genius.
Not because I’m slightly mental and possibly a bit delirious.
Not because my life is perfect and all my needs are met.

Source: http://weheartit.com/

I laughed because that’s what you do when you realise that life is unpredictable. 
When it dawns upon you that no matter how well you may think you have this life figured out, it will always climb up on a tight rope, do a little twirl (just to show off) and then come graciously swinging down and hit you smack bang in the face with a great big thump.

I laughed because I’m human. 
I laughed at my human disillusionment that things would go exactly according to plan, because I’d done the math, I’d seen the forecasts and according to my sources life was in fact a simple formula that could be mastered.

I laughed because life is consistent in it’s inconsistency and despite being constantly surprised by it, despite my fears and reservations, I’m happy to have this life. Happy to love and be loved, happy to experience the best of times and the worst of times, happy to laugh and cry, happy to wake up each day to a new surprise, whether good or bad.

Today I laughed. I laughed because it was all I could do.

7c4c4065a2e47e925c2c472cbb22e8ee
Source: http://piccsy.com/

I imagine

I wish I could see forever. Wish I could see our future.
See you and me with grey hair, sitting on the porch catching the breeze.
I wish I could see us ten years from now.
See us happy and in love.
But the future is blurry and all I can be sure of is right here and right now.
Knowing that what I feel for you is deep and true.
Feeling secure with your hand holding mine and believing that what we have is everlasting.
I imagine us years from now.
I imagine us happy
I imagine us old and grey & holding hands.
I imagine you.
I imagine me.
I imagine us, together and hope that that’s our forever.
Images sourced from: http://piccsy.com/

Right on time!

Tropicana’s major sun installation in Trafalgar Square yesterday.

 
Sometimes I wonder where I would be right now if I had made different decisions in my life. If maybe I had stayed on in that great corporate job earning a good salary, I’d be settled in a nice comfortable lifestyle. Maybe I’d have been better off if I had not gone back home to finish my degree or if I’d lived somewhere else in the world…etc…etc…etc.

For the past month or so I’ve been having a lot of ‘what if moments’. Unemployed, in a different city, with only my savings to live off, I was starting to feel a little more than out of my depth and the gloomy weather wasn’t particularly helping the situation.

But in the space of a week, that all turned around. A short visit from my family gave me the pick-me-up I needed. Two job interviews later, I landed myself a job in communications, my three-week old cold finally packed up and left and the sun decided to come out in Trafalgar Square. In short, I got my mojo back.

Things don’t always happen just the way you want them to or when you want, but when they do, it’s always right on time! 🙂

The art of disillusionment

Funny how we thought we were being all grown up and making grown up decisions. 
How we honestly believed that we could live our lives apart. 
And the way we went about things, all head and no heart. 
Being practical, responsible adults, as if the world expected nothing less from us. 
How we convinced each other and ourselves, 
that this was the only way for things to be. 
That this decision was logical and that this was what was best for both of us. 
How we both resigned ourselves to living a life where ‘we’ didn’t exist and how when it finally came down to it, our hearts were stronger than our minds. 

Image source: http://piccsy.com/

Mothers & Daughters

I’ve never had a daughter before, but I have loads of experience on being a daughter. My sister and I being the only daughters amongst our brood of five have been fortunate to be raised by a modern day Wonder Woman. My Mum has loved us, nurtured us, cut us down to size, spoilt us and raised us to be the courageous women we are today. I’m not sure how she managed to pay such special attention to each and every one of us, with five kids running around, but I can only hope that if I should have a daughter one day, I’ll be able to measure up to the kind of parent my Mum is.

I’m a huge fan of spoken word and this little rendition by Sarah Kay called “B”, is one of my favourite pieces. It gets me choked up every time and compels me to aspire to be a great mother one day.

“This world is made of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.”


Image source: http://piccsy.com/